View in the Mirror

After finishing yesterday's blog I felt great - as if I had achieved something and yet I really hadn't done anything different. So, being a little self analytical, I had a think about it and realised it marked a change. We see ourselves, to a greater or lesser extent , mirrored in the eyes of others. I f you have been a beloved top brick, as I was, then the lack of a loving reflection can cause a form of psychosis: a breakdown of the self image.

What yesterday's blog taught me was that for every one person that sees me a waste of space, shot away or just a whining pain, there is someone who sees me - the me I used to know. Gregg has messaged me and made me laugh and been so incredibly  thoughtful to someone he hasn't seen for  over thirty years that his constant positive take on things has begun to rub off a bit. Another old friend, who only has a distant memory of a female he used to try and teach Karom to, sends me articles and videos and talks of good things always.


All of my friends have lined up over the last year and provided such support and love. Not just the ones who I have stayed in touch with but those I have been able to find using this interweb thing. It is amazing to me that so many of you keep reminding me that I am loved - that you care enough to do it. I love all of you too and don't say it nearly enough.

I wish I could say that the worst is over - that this disease, mental health issue, whatever has gone. I don't think it has and I don't think it ever will.  That seems to be my journey now - to deal with it and, hardest of all, to live with it. So many of you who have written to me and told me of your journeys speak of learning to accept what we have and deal with it as best we can. You humble me because all I do is howl at the moon and thrash about in an orgy of self pity.


Those of you who don't know what this is like find it uncomfortable when I am too frank but those of you who do recognise the need to try and make people understand. The self harming thing is a physical manifestation of how awful we feel. The worse the cuts and bruises and burns the calmer we become because there is something concrete to show - look I bleed, I bruise, I hurt. Those who don't feel this are appalled - how can you slice your arms with a knife - you can, I can, we can, because in that moment the pain is real and visible and tangible and no longer needs to be explained by the euphemistic, ' bit down' or 'black dog'.

I suppose I am trying to say that I would like you to continue to be understanding or try to and bear with me. It is one hell of a battle and how it ends I don't know  but with your help and love I must stand a better chance than I would alone. If I can continue to see the image that so many of you reflect back at me, if I can try and believe that woman does still exist, then I have a chance.


And those of us who talk of these things in long emails to each other and are afraid to say out loud and in the open how shit it can be - we have each other to reflect in - and we are all worthy of loving and being loved. I can say this because I am in an'up' phase- lets all try and remember it when we are 'down'.

And finally - sorry, it's not a small baba day -  to those of you who say it is all in the mind -yeah we know that thanks - and go for a walk - you go for a bloody walk - and pull yourself together - do you know what? You do not reflect me. You reflect your own issues and they are not mine/ours. Those people who offer kindness and love reflect me because that is what I would offer back.