I think that I must be feeling better because I am bored. That in itself is counterproductive because I then start thinking about ideas for fabulous lessons and with a start remember that I no longer teach. I find, to my surprise, that I mind this quite badly. I miss the roller coaster of the autumn term - the last chance coursework race, the carol concert, the settling in of the new Year 7s. I miss the Y11s in my tutor group suddenly realsing that there is very little time at school left and the resultant panic and sudden need to get work done. I miss it all terribly - it feels like another loss to be mourned and maybe that is what I needed to realise.
It is like the Joni Mitchell song, 'you don't what you've got til it's gone'. Now that I live this stress free, unencumbered life of course what I want is stress and encumbrances to make me feel I have a purpose. Who or what am I without either a defining care er or defining other?
And there we are - full circle, back to the nub of the problem. I have somehow lost my sense of self, lost the ability to define myself. I am not ready to accept the label 'retired'. I think I may still have something to offer but what that is I have no idea. And round we go again. I suppose the obvious answer is to get a job - any job and try to find myself through a new set of signifiers - not easy at 55 with a history of mental illness. But not impossible.
It is coming up to that time of year that all the lonely and dispossessed loathe and fear - already there is the odd decoration appearing in shops - by the end of the month we will be wall to wall holly and goodwill. There will be the constant reminders of the importance of family and friends - a nonstop call to remember loved ones and partake of the conspcuous consumption of expensive frippery on a grand scale.
Forgive me today - it is a something and nothing day and I feel a sense of ennui that makes me a little bilious. I will try to improve.
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