Marring

No it isn't a misprint - I meant marring as in harming, defacing or disfiguring. Andrew Marr the self professed TV pundit was a little nasty about bloggers, suggesting they were spotty dweebs who lived in basements. Odd, I always thought that about political journalists. But his name is ugly, bringing up connotations of disfigurement and and pain - so how could he possibly be a bright and cuddly character?

I am having a bad day today - not got up yet and it is nearly five - all I have wanted to do is cover my head and let the world go its merry way without me. Oh - and self harm. Now I know that for many of you this is uncomfortable reading so stop now if you don't want to hear me go on about it  for a bit.

As my arms heal I gradually feel the need to mark them again - to feel the pain of the knife to make me feel alive - or feel anything. This week I have fought every day not to do it - I even tried the CPN's rubber band - rubbish band more like. I gave in this afternoon and now my arms look and feel like I have gone ten rounds with a tom cat but I feel calmer and more grounded.

The thing about this self harming is that it is a condition that dare not speak its name. Those who do it can talk about it, want to talk about it, need to talk about it but those 'health care professionals' treat the whole thing like the outburst of a naughty child in a supermarket - they ignore it. Or, even worse, they trivialise it.

The thing is, if I could understand why drawing blood or scarring myself makes me feel better I think I maybe could rationalise it enough to try and stop. A fellow sufferer went to have her ribs tattooed. She called it the 'socially acceptable self harm'.  People may grimace at the thought but they will engage with her about the experience. Would any of you with me? Of course not. Too frightening and too upsetting.

So - I marr my arms to feel connected and alive. I am neither spotty nor a dweeb and I write this blog from a light and airy first floor flat. The other catch all assumption is that all self harmers are adolescent girls - I'm not.  So if that is wrong and Mr Marr's assumption about bloggers is wrong maybe the assumption to sweep self harm under the carpet is wrong too. I'm just putting out there- feel free to get back to me.