Happy sadness, dark light

It is that saddest of times and that happiest of times: to be child is to make this night almost unbearably slow with the certain knowledge that joy would follow in the morning. To be an adult alone it is almost unbearably sad to know that no joy comes in the morning -simply another day to be endured like so many others, only on this day there is premium for us lonely people to pay - we must smile and look like we are enjoying the season. I suppose faith might help but having little time for organised religion it looks a doubtful lifesaver.

Last year as many of you know I offended my sister with my 'humorous' remarks. I have seen her three times this year. She drives me mad but I miss her.

I have been fighting the demon voices this last week  -the ones that say no-one will miss you, the world would be an easier place without you in it, you're a waste of space of oxygen of state money. And - it is all true. And it is all true except when I come to the blog and 16,000 of you have read it and that 16,000 people know I am alive and find some worth in what I write and so for tonight the angels win.

Depression is lonely, hard to explain and fight. Christmas is not a time to be depressed and it is harder to fight now that at any other time of the year. So I hope your Yuletide is happy and bright and that 2012 brings us all the hope and happiness we all deserve. "God bless us everyone" , as Tiny Tim would say.

Dichotomy

I both love and hate this time of year. I love the lights and the music and the excitement of the children as they boil over with the wonder of it all. I hate the vulgarity, the incessant need for more money to buy better presents. One of the great philosophers said, and I can't remember who, that if god didn't exist then we would have to invent  him. I think the same is true of Christmas. There is some innate part of us that longs to join in, to sing the carols to light the lights and to buy the presents.

Small baba Christmasses were all about the excitement and worry - no chimney so how Santa Claus come down it? Turns out he was pretty nifty through the air conditioner grille.

Christmas dinner was a heaving table with all those who needed to share in our Christmas, Desmond and all the boys, George Landau and Dorothy and any waif of stray picked up be any of us that needed not to be alone over the holiday. After the meal the Aussies and New Zealanders rolled up and the party went well into the small hours with laughter and dancing.

I think about those days of wonder as I write this - my Christmas this year will be spent with the blind neighbour - I am going to cook for both of us. We may not dance the night away but I hope it will be a happy day and one that I can put into my memory box to join all the other happy times.

Happy Holidays to all of you wherever you may be.