My Books

  • John Donne (my best)
  • Shakespeare
  • Anything by Terry Pratchett
  • Lord of the Rings
  • The Little White Horse
  • Wind in the Willows
  • Secret Garden

Monday, 28 February 2011

INSOMNIA

Think I should warn you that this may be a bit of a rant! I CAN'T SLEEP!

I have had the milky drink, 4 sleeping pills and nothing - nada - rien - zilch! And I am tired and cross.

The trouble is that the antidepressants make me wakeful and the sleepers make my sleepy but nothing succeeds in turning off my mind.

I have tried counting sheep - gone through the alphabet looking countries and cities in alphabetical order - there isn't city that begins with I or even x! I do the times tables in my head trying to reach that place of non thought - nothing happens because all the little thoughts like owing £11,000 on the repossessed house keep coming back to haunt me. Oh god what do I do? Oh yes and I walked two miles today - so no cracks about exercise.

Oh the joy of shutting one's eyes and drifting away into nothingness - when will I feel that again?

There - feel better now so will try the light off and back to the alphabet and tables.
Good night xxx


A Long, Long Time Ago

When I was a small baba a big treat was to go on a picnic. We would go out towards Dum Dum, find a green spot and sit and eat from a dekshi warmed over a makeshift fire. No matter how lonely the place seemed within minutes we were surrounded by children curious to know who or what we were.

One of my enduring memories is of playing George Harrison's Within You Without You to them - they understood the sitar music but not the words - in fact the gramophone was in itself a thing of wonder. Desmond sat and sketched and we played rounders. I remember talking with Gail on one of these picnics about how we would have a horse farm out here one day and breed racehorses. They were magic days - as the Cornish would say 'given days' of beauty and charm.

There were other country days - some people owned houses out of the city and we would go en masse to spend the day - still rounders and sitting under trees listening to music.

I remember one day being allowed to drive a jeep by Kalden Dorji - shrieking with delight as we bounced over pot holes. I also rememebr being very miffed that Gail was a natural!

Why is it that we look back on these times as such golden times - ~I remember feeling hot and bothered and yet it still looks like a golden mindscape to me. It was on one of these days that Desmond found Clive's house and mess, another spent on the river watching old Calcutta pass us by and another at Diamond Harbour squelching merrily knee deep in mud. Children in England have their bike rides and days at Alton Towers - I was so lucky to have so much more.


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Sunday, 27 February 2011

If I were...

If I were a rose
Today
I would be past my best
Blowzy
My petals faded and falling 
Away






If I were a colour
Today
It would be grey
washed out
Fading and flaking on
The wall




If I were a person
Today
I would be a bag lady
forlorn
     Dreading my life
       Tomorrow



                  And if I could imagine
Tomorrow
                    It would have the same
Forlorn
Fading
Washed out
Feeling
That it has today

"And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death"
Shakespeare

Depression days.

There are days when I wake up cursing that another day has to be got through. I long to put mu head under the covers and pray that the world will go away. It never does! Today is one of those days - even the sight of the sun is depressing - too bright and the sky is too blue.

I know that makes me sound like a moaning Minnie - but to misquote Atticus, "walk around in my shoes for awhile and see what it feels like".

I wonder where this all came from - I think from loss - first Mum , then teaching and then Dad. But sometimes I wonder it it goes deeper still - the menopause and the realisation that I would never have children - the loss of self identity that came from the loss of Calcutta. I know many people lose far more and bear it all far better but some weakness within me crumples with each passing until there is nothing left but darling Emily's 'grey emptiness - despair".

All I know is that each day is harder than the last. Oh, the medication helps - without it I would probably have given up long ago so it keeps me alive. Giving blood helped - something that I could do,

The hardest loss and the hardest fight has been to regain my voice in the blog. The fight with my sister took my autonomy away to say what I felt and it had taken until now to find the courage to write again.
I hope this continues for it is my lifeline to the world - again dear Emily, " and real life is over there/upon that shelf".
There was someone who understood the grey of depression, the melancholy and the lack of desire to take part in the real world. Maybe I should go on a pilgrimage to Amherst and lay flowers like all the other Dickenson junkies.Had sad that I cannot get to my mother's grave to lay flowers there. I relied on my sister to take me.

It seems I have lost my family both through death and life - bored my friends beyond belief for this gets uninteresting fast. It all seems rather lonely and pointless - bur hey, tomorrow might be better - or not.
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Saturday, 26 February 2011

Three Calcutta Gardens

So - thank you for the kind words form both Gregg and Phil - encouraged by these I will endeavour to carry on.

There were an amazing amount of gardens in Calcutta: the Horticultural, Eden, and my favourite the Botanical with the amazing banyan tree with its branches reaching into the earth to create new roots. At the time I was enamoured of a book caller "the Little Prince" and I thought the banyan tree would have served him well on his home planet instead of the encroaching baobab..

The Horticultural Gardens were where we took the dogs - Winnie and Aizu for their twice daily walk - they could run on the grass and generally frolic to their heart's content. They were too small to present much of moving target and met other dogs amiably and moved on - as much as anything because they we were firmly convinced they were human too.

Green spaces finally gelled for me when I read Marvell for the first time,
      "annihilating all that's made into a green though in q green shade"
and so i often went there to write - nothing any good but my post modernist soul needed the open air and the green of a garden.

The Eden gardens were a legacy of two extraordinary sisters who come to India with their brother and used their education tor record in paint and prose what they experienced. It is from them that we such a clear picture of the India of the raj,
How sad the think the there will be no international cricket in the Eden Garden stadium this year. In their garden stood a Burmese Pagoda given to them as a present. I hope it still stands there today - anachronistic and totally fitting with all the other dichotomies of the city.

I would give much to walk in any of those gardens again - to annihilate all thought to a' green shade'

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Friday, 25 February 2011

I'm Back

Sorry it has been so long  - I think it was all the tamasha over Christmas and my catty coments that set my sister off. I have had to thinl long and hard about carrying on as the las thing I wanted was to cause an even split there.

Plus of course there really hasn't been much to write about. More of the same old same ole.

I went today to do my one unelfish thing  giving blood - absolutley hate needle but love the feeling that the blood I give could save someone one day. See what I mean about unselfish - it gains me nothing but a good feeling inside.

Sorry this is short tonight - climbing the horse to see if I can still find that voice. Hope so.

By the way the sister hasn't spoken since January!!!!!!!!

Much love and light to all

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Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Barbie Girl?

No memory of being a small baba would be complete without mentioning my extended family of dolls and furry animals. As always these were carried to extremes - the animals all travelled wherever I did - on leads so as not to get lost. There was Sixpence the rabbit, Miranda the monkey and my beloved talisman Pooji the panda. There were others but their names and shapes escape me. Pooji was my best beloved and stayed with me until he met an untimely end at the hands of a Nepalese customs officer who brutally tore in two; assuming that he must be vessel for smuggling drugs - what else would a nineteen year old still have an old and slightly balding bear. I had to be held back from attacking the man and my poor Pooji was returned to me in two halves with stuffing leaking like blood from his wounds.

My dolls were rather more complex - I had a variety from standard baby dolls to dolls from all over the world - any one travelling somewhere exotic was tasked with bringing me back a doll. The only failure was my father who had been to Ethiopia and failed. Dolls apparently were not big in Haillie Selassie's country. As well as all of these there were the dolls house dolls and, as I grew more sophisticated, Barbie and Sindy.

None of the sets of playthings ever crossed or met in being played with - the big dolls went to school, with me as teacher or travelled on a wagon train looking for the Oregon trail. My super successful Oregon Trail drama scheme of work owed a lot to those games. The big dolls were really better for two people games.

The world dolls were harder to play with. Being a literal minded little baba I worried about the language barrier - how could they speak to each other - how could I speak to them? Eventually they were arranged on the shelf of my bookcase and became ornaments. All of them except for two - for I had an Indian bride and groom from the Bengal Home Industries and they provided hours of fun.  The poor souls were married and remarried again and again. I almost set the house on fire providing them with a realistic flame to walk around. Then one day the man's base fell off and I scratched myself, instant tetanus injection as the nail was rather rusty and they too were banished to the top shelf.

I loved the dolls house. I loved Rumer Godden's book The Doll's House. At night when everyone was asleep I would creep to window and look in to see if the dolls had moved or were moving. They never were but that proved nothing as sometimes furniture would be in different place or one of the dolls would be upstairs when I knew I had left them downstairs in the kitchen. Time spent playing with the dolls and the house was rather like the time spent now on the computer - it flew by and before I knew it hours would have passed.

And then I went to AISC and my doll world changed. I met Barbie. Oh, the clothes and shoes. The hair. The amazing folding Barbie's bedroom that had a hairdryer in it. Ken! My Barbie actually had a Chanel suit. Sindy also arrived - flying the flag for Britain. She was a bit of a disappointment after Barbie, flat chested and not in the least glamorous. They both had air hostess uniforms - Barbie for Pan Am and Sindy for BOAC. Needless to say that Barbie looked great and Sindy looked dowdy. Sindy had a boyfriend too, Paul and he was better looking than Ken  so my Barbie had an English boyfriend. They were, I suppose, an extension of the cut out books I had so loved as a smaller baba. I could dress and undress them until cows came home.

I still love dolls now - I would love to think that I could turn into one of the old ladies who has dolls and dolls houses and cats: a little bit batty but in a nice way. I still have two furry animals - Timmy the lamb and Simples the meerkat. Oh yes, and a couple of bears. No panda though but...I went to the bear factory and had a panda made for Katy Joy - called Pooji. She loved it on sight. I just hope she loves dolls ' cos there will quite a few coming her way.

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Tuesday, 8 February 2011

The Up Side of being Down

There I was - steeped in misery after a not terribly jolly outing to Basingstoke with the blind neighbour. I had seen two dresses I wanted in Monsoon and then looked at the price tag and realised the only way I was going to get them was through the power of  imagination. Don't worry - the blind neighbour was doing his thing in the blessed pound shop.

So we got home and I lugged my massive bag of veggies - new food routine - fresh and healthy. Mmmm wonder what time Domino's start delivery? More to the point I was in right mump and the doorbell rang.

I trotted downstairs and there was one of my most beloved ex students holding a big brown envelope-  couldn't ask her in 'cos it is a tip at the moment and I have some pride left - not a lot but some.

The blessed girl (Tina) had bought me a copy of Desmond's An Artist's Impression and a news agency photograph of Desmond trying to explain to group of Sherpa that he was looking for the yeti. How kind was that? I really don't deserve the love that I keep being shown. Needless to say my mump turned into a jump for joy. Thank you darling Tina.

And then as I was thinking about her at school it came to  me - all the memories I have of her are happy one. The very first Rock Challenge where she saved our bacon by slotting in her solo dance with two of my little guys as sidekicks. They thought they'd died and gone to heaven. She choreographed part of the next year's dance and we made it to the final. She was in my top set English GCSE group and I loved every lesson I taught them. She got so carried away by Cider with Rosie she made her parents take her to Slad.

Here is something that we can all learn from - her random act of kindness stopped me in my tracks today and made me grateful to been here to see her and to be given such lovely gifts. We never know what affect we will have on others by our behaviour but to be kind can be lifeline. It was for me today - it gave me a reason to live.

Sunday, 6 February 2011

To be or not to be?

I finally got some sleep at about five for a couple of hours - they say that as you get older you need less - complete bollocks! You are humping around this failing body aches given any opportunity to do so - everything is gravity bound and you feel as if your feet are sunk beneath the floor boards. I imagine it is somewhat the ways the astronauts feel when they were their gravity boots in a weightless environment. Certainly it leaves me exhausted at the end of any given day.

Oh yes - the title. Simple really - do I want to carry on the cursed coil or do I have the bravery to cast it aside and find some peace at last. Today has been a hiding day - buried under a mountain a blankets and duvets gazing up at the white ceiling. Tried to read the new Marion Keyes in an effort to cheer myself up -failed.

When one seriously considers suicide there are no end of problems - how - where- note- no note.. There is also the thorny problem of is this a cry for help so notes and less toxic doses might be helpful. I think for me it will be pills - not now so don't leap to the phone. Plenty of them so that I swoon away into the darkness. "Die not sweet death" - says Donne as he attempts to win his battle with the great immutable force that comes for us all.

I think I will bottle it at the last moment and with my luck get the engaged signal on 999. Too late to change my mind then. All very vexing.

You see it's the bleakness of it all and the fact that it goes on and on and on. One day happy and fighting fit the next like today a a bump in a bed. The question gets asked more ofter than it used to be. I am tired of the fight. Of trying to be chirpy because everyone is so much more comfortable when I am. Of trying not to be a bore. Of wanting just one person to say it will all be fine and we'll get through this. But there is no one.

All my friends that I upset with last comment - don't be - I am not your responsibility just your friend and God knows you all do more to support me than I could ever have dreamed of. I love you all so much.

The solution - I choose to live this time - to be, and wait and see what the next days bring.

Remember Edna St Vincent Millais
I BURN THE CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS
FROM MORNING UNTIL NIGHT
BUT OH MY DEARS AND OH MY FRIENDS
IT GIVES A LOVELY LIGHT
For now I choose the light.

Saturday, 5 February 2011

It's four in the morning...

Yes that old cliche of wanting to sleep and not being able too. What better way, I thought than to blog. Of curse my brain finished with a hundred ideas and sleep has beaten a hasty retreat to wherever it is that sleep waits for us  wakeful nights.

I was a great sleep walker when young and a talker too  according to Annabel who suffered most of my outbursts. I was apparently having a deep and meaningful with someone but to her none of it made any sense. Just think- it could have been the answer to all our problems.What a shame I could never remember any of it.

Just once, we were spending with Owen in Bhandel, we had shared nightmare about a runaway train and awoke crushed against the headboard clutching each other in fear. It was the same dream, at the same time. Extraordinary.

Seriously this 'ravelled sleeve of care' could do with a bit more ravelling and a lot less unravelling. If you sleep everything seems possible - if you don't the pessimism sinks in and the clouds descend.

So I hope you are reading this after a night of full and blissful sleep, in the sunshine with your coffee or tea. I am going back to trey and count a few more sheep - 5,000,000 at the last count!

Friday, 4 February 2011

Sorry this is going to be one of the depressing one. Haven't been able to sleep until last night when I took two extra pills and finally knocked myself out. Woke up and had no desire to get up and face the day -just seemed overpoweringly difficult.

When the depression is about to hit it circles above your head - rather like a migraine - you know it is coming but there is bugger all you do about it. So it had been with me for the last few weeks. Just waiting to the black dog to strike, the dark clouds to encompass me and they have.

In this phase there is little I can but try and ride it out. I have been for a walk but the anxiety means I walk with shaking legs, too fast and in hurry to regain the safety of the flat. Did  go and see the doctor for my monthly chat took me three times of being sick and was the hardest fifty yards to the bus stop.

I wish I could say that this or that acts a catalyst; they don't. The darkness comes unbidden and unwelcome. Today I will stay in bed with the covers pulled over my head, I don't want to have to find 'bright and cheery' Joanna for she is just an act at times like these.

I'm blogging out of a desperate sense of fear and loneliness - at least if I reach some of you I have made a life affirming contact - I hope. My arms looks like train tracks - no real skin left to hurt. So the easiest thing to do is to roll up sausage like in the bed clothes and count the hours until sleep time.

Love and light to all of you and it you would wish the same thing back it might help.
 xxx


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