I finally got some sleep at about five for a couple of hours - they say that as you get older you need less - complete bollocks! You are humping around this failing body aches given any opportunity to do so - everything is gravity bound and you feel as if your feet are sunk beneath the floor boards. I imagine it is somewhat the ways the astronauts feel when they were their gravity boots in a weightless environment. Certainly it leaves me exhausted at the end of any given day.
Oh yes - the title. Simple really - do I want to carry on the cursed coil or do I have the bravery to cast it aside and find some peace at last. Today has been a hiding day - buried under a mountain a blankets and duvets gazing up at the white ceiling. Tried to read the new Marion Keyes in an effort to cheer myself up -failed.
When one seriously considers suicide there are no end of problems - how - where- note- no note.. There is also the thorny problem of is this a cry for help so notes and less toxic doses might be helpful. I think for me it will be pills - not now so don't leap to the phone. Plenty of them so that I swoon away into the darkness. "Die not sweet death" - says Donne as he attempts to win his battle with the great immutable force that comes for us all.
I think I will bottle it at the last moment and with my luck get the engaged signal on 999. Too late to change my mind then. All very vexing.
You see it's the bleakness of it all and the fact that it goes on and on and on. One day happy and fighting fit the next like today a a bump in a bed. The question gets asked more ofter than it used to be. I am tired of the fight. Of trying to be chirpy because everyone is so much more comfortable when I am. Of trying not to be a bore. Of wanting just one person to say it will all be fine and we'll get through this. But there is no one.
All my friends that I upset with last comment - don't be - I am not your responsibility just your friend and God knows you all do more to support me than I could ever have dreamed of. I love you all so much.
The solution - I choose to live this time - to be, and wait and see what the next days bring.
Remember Edna St Vincent Millais
Oh yes - the title. Simple really - do I want to carry on the cursed coil or do I have the bravery to cast it aside and find some peace at last. Today has been a hiding day - buried under a mountain a blankets and duvets gazing up at the white ceiling. Tried to read the new Marion Keyes in an effort to cheer myself up -failed.
When one seriously considers suicide there are no end of problems - how - where- note- no note.. There is also the thorny problem of is this a cry for help so notes and less toxic doses might be helpful. I think for me it will be pills - not now so don't leap to the phone. Plenty of them so that I swoon away into the darkness. "Die not sweet death" - says Donne as he attempts to win his battle with the great immutable force that comes for us all.
I think I will bottle it at the last moment and with my luck get the engaged signal on 999. Too late to change my mind then. All very vexing.
You see it's the bleakness of it all and the fact that it goes on and on and on. One day happy and fighting fit the next like today a a bump in a bed. The question gets asked more ofter than it used to be. I am tired of the fight. Of trying to be chirpy because everyone is so much more comfortable when I am. Of trying not to be a bore. Of wanting just one person to say it will all be fine and we'll get through this. But there is no one.
All my friends that I upset with last comment - don't be - I am not your responsibility just your friend and God knows you all do more to support me than I could ever have dreamed of. I love you all so much.
The solution - I choose to live this time - to be, and wait and see what the next days bring.
Remember Edna St Vincent Millais
I BURN THE CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS
FROM MORNING UNTIL NIGHT
BUT OH MY DEARS AND OH MY FRIENDS
IT GIVES A LOVELY LIGHT
For now I choose the light.
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