High Days and Holidays.

You know they say you should never cry on your birthday or you will cry for the rest of the year. Well, for every birthday since Mum died I have cried, and I have cried for the whole year.

I am crying tonight because of the kindness and warmth of  the birthday messages sent to me on Facebook by my kids and old friends. I am also crying because of the utter futility of being optimistic about the next twelve months.

I wish I were dead - it is that simple, that easy. I have no desire to continue to carry on the charade of a life and the only thing that stops me is fear. There is no bright tomorrow, no shining future to look forward to, just more of the same and I have had enough of that.

I know this is a broken record but, as I believe I have said before, this blog is for me. These are the things that I find it hard to say to people face to face, hard to say in a jaunty email. What a shocking waste of oxygen I am. I contribute nothing.

I am going to stop now - sorry if this was bit self indulgent  and I am truly thankful for the many good wishes - as we all know - if wishes were horses then beggars would ride...