My darling Dumsy,
It has been almost ten years and yet it feels like yesterday. For the last year I have been writing this blog as a kind of therapy/remembrance about our past. I wish you could read it - and there again if you were here it would never have needed to be read or written. We spent so much time talking you and I - living a fantasy Janie called pandering to our need for unreality. So not true - we just had fun.
I miss you so much that even now it physically hurts when I think of you - there is this great gaping hole inside of me that only you could repair. I am nobody's little Nan now. Even Janie has had enough - I wrote something about Christmas day that was supposed to funny and she hasn't spoken since. And yes, I have tried to talk to her but you know what she is like. Not even a birthday card so I am really in the doghouse.
This blog has been about all our yesterdays - trips to Bhutan and Sikkim, Mary Demetrios, the witches that weren't, the general that was, the aunties and of course Desmond. Memories of a small baba lucky enough to have a mother who took her everywhere and showed her such a wide variety of life. Through writing it and putting out on the Internet I have found so many old friends and connections - I even found Gail and went to stay with her in Canada just before Christmas. She hadn't changed and I loved her even better now.
I messed up on the job front - you were right about Lesley - she took me down. There wasn't anyone there to patch me back up again anymore and I never have learned how to do that for myself. I think I was in a kind of lunacy after you left - I sold Cornwall - stupidly and bought a horrid flat in Kingsclere; to be near your grave which I can't bear to visit. I did plant a rosemary bush there for you and if flourishes. Dad came to live with me and developed bowel cancer - that was grim. His mind was pretty much gone and he kept asking me when you would be in to see him. I was so tired Mum and needed to sit and cry with someone - you know really cry and feel yourself being hugged back to humanity. You used to do that for me and me for you.
We both know money was never my strong point and to make a long story short I got evicted from the flat - Janie's first words were, " You can't come here". Annabel was in India so I stayed with darling Katz in Tunbridge Wells and tried to live with Peter in Somerset - he had just lost Lawrence- but we both realised quickly that it would be disaster so back to Basingstoke I came and ended up with a flat in Winklebury!
It is quite lonely - I think I have cut myself off from people and lived vicariously through Facebook and emails. I grieve the loss of Katy Joy - I would like to have been part of her growing up as I was part of the girl's but so it goes.
So there you are darling- ten years of misery in nutshell. I always said I wouldn't do very well without you and it's true. This blog had perhaps been the only achievement I will leave behind - might make a book of it.
Promise me when my time comes you will be waiting for me at the top of the path and we will be happy again. I love you so much - so very, very much
Your little Nan
xxxx
It has been almost ten years and yet it feels like yesterday. For the last year I have been writing this blog as a kind of therapy/remembrance about our past. I wish you could read it - and there again if you were here it would never have needed to be read or written. We spent so much time talking you and I - living a fantasy Janie called pandering to our need for unreality. So not true - we just had fun.
I miss you so much that even now it physically hurts when I think of you - there is this great gaping hole inside of me that only you could repair. I am nobody's little Nan now. Even Janie has had enough - I wrote something about Christmas day that was supposed to funny and she hasn't spoken since. And yes, I have tried to talk to her but you know what she is like. Not even a birthday card so I am really in the doghouse.
This blog has been about all our yesterdays - trips to Bhutan and Sikkim, Mary Demetrios, the witches that weren't, the general that was, the aunties and of course Desmond. Memories of a small baba lucky enough to have a mother who took her everywhere and showed her such a wide variety of life. Through writing it and putting out on the Internet I have found so many old friends and connections - I even found Gail and went to stay with her in Canada just before Christmas. She hadn't changed and I loved her even better now.
I messed up on the job front - you were right about Lesley - she took me down. There wasn't anyone there to patch me back up again anymore and I never have learned how to do that for myself. I think I was in a kind of lunacy after you left - I sold Cornwall - stupidly and bought a horrid flat in Kingsclere; to be near your grave which I can't bear to visit. I did plant a rosemary bush there for you and if flourishes. Dad came to live with me and developed bowel cancer - that was grim. His mind was pretty much gone and he kept asking me when you would be in to see him. I was so tired Mum and needed to sit and cry with someone - you know really cry and feel yourself being hugged back to humanity. You used to do that for me and me for you.
We both know money was never my strong point and to make a long story short I got evicted from the flat - Janie's first words were, " You can't come here". Annabel was in India so I stayed with darling Katz in Tunbridge Wells and tried to live with Peter in Somerset - he had just lost Lawrence- but we both realised quickly that it would be disaster so back to Basingstoke I came and ended up with a flat in Winklebury!
It is quite lonely - I think I have cut myself off from people and lived vicariously through Facebook and emails. I grieve the loss of Katy Joy - I would like to have been part of her growing up as I was part of the girl's but so it goes.
So there you are darling- ten years of misery in nutshell. I always said I wouldn't do very well without you and it's true. This blog had perhaps been the only achievement I will leave behind - might make a book of it.
Promise me when my time comes you will be waiting for me at the top of the path and we will be happy again. I love you so much - so very, very much
Your little Nan
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